Indigestion & Solitude

It is way past my bedtime.

3:36am.  I can't even remember that last time I was up this late.

I am sitting in the basement of my Aunt and Uncle's house in north Chicago right now, trying to keep down the delicious Thanksgiving meal I consumed eight hours ago.  It really sucks.  While I am waiting here wondering if I am going to lose it or not, I will explore my thoughts for today.

Lydia (sister), Melissa (cousin), and I just finished a movie starring Aaron Eckhart and Catherine Zeta Jones called "No Reservation".  It was a typical chick flick with the overzealous woman who identifies herself in her career (in this movie, a chef) and eventually gets swept off her feet by a guy who breaks down her protective  barriers and shows her that there are, in fact, nice guys in the world.  Of course, when she first meets him, she hates him.  But over time, he reaches her tender spots by befriending her niece (manipulation if you ask me).  I can't really complain though because to be honest, I enjoyed it......and then I hated it.

I hated it because it was just another twist of the knife in a wound of loneliness that has been ailing me for quite some time.  It always get worse on the holidays and to ignore it would be to deny the core of my emotional state.  Over the past year or so, I have learned (for the most part) to be comfortable in my own skin.  To be alright with being alone.  To be honest, it was kind of a necessity.  It was either become comfortable....or go fucking insane (I kind of did both).  Ever since I was a sophomore in high school I have had an addiction to intense relationships.  Up until January 2008, there was rare a time in which I was not with someone.  I have learned quite a bit in my relationship history and I do not regret it.  I may have not put enough effort into school at points (probably more than I'd like to admit) or my jobs, but I put a hell of a lot into making relationships work.  Granted I also did a lot to mess them up...but such is life.  Anyways, throughout the whole experience I have gained quite a bit of wisdom.   Some people are fortunate enough to learn from the mistakes of others, I, however, am not.  Now I know my limitations, my nature, my compassion, my understanding, my love, my grief, how to treat a woman, how NOT to treat a woman, etc etc...but most of all I learned to listen.  To listen through the bullshit to get to the heart of what is really wrong.  To listen to myself.  To listen to the tension.  To the undercurrents of deep pain and hurt muted by rough sarcasm.  I got so accustom to it that it became my identity.  I was getting married over and over again without the ceremonies or the cerificates.  And each break has been another tear in my heart leaving it tougher, more scared, and more incapable of giving and receiving love.  I was more cautious and more skeptical.  My trust in anything romantic or heavily involved was consistently thinning and I feared that soon, there would be nothing left.  Thankfully, I am not there today.

If it would have been my choice, I wouldn't have accomplished it.  I am energized from people, community, laughing, and sharing life with people.   But I am glad that my life has taken the course that it has because if it hadn't, I would still be traveling down the road I have been for the past four years.  Through my solitude, I have developed a sense of identity and a desire for striving for what is true and right.  I thirst for the blessing of God and seek earnestly in being a vessel through which God's power can pour through me.  I can only be so confident because I have felt it's Power and it is intoxicating.  However...

Lately, I've been starting to become impatient with God.  I want answers.  I want answers in the finalizing (or continuing) of a "relationship" that has been nonexistent for the past year (save 3 months).  I want to know if it is time for me to move on or not.  Judging by what is happening, I can only assume that I am right where I need to be and I still have some growing to do before God puts someone in my path who is deserving of my love and affection, and I of theirs.  I am not expecting someone to fall into my lap (although I wouldn't object to it if it happened..).... and I realize that for anything to happen, there has to be forward motion on my behalf, but I also believe that if God wants a relationship to happen, there will be doors.  I just hope they start opening sooner than later.

When most people think of solitude, I imagine they picture a peaceful meadow with lambs basking in the moonlight.  For me, solitude has been a deadly hurricane whipping broken pieces of glass, car doors, and 2x4's at me while I am clutching onto the door frame of my destroyed house with my finger nails.  I am trying desperately to not let go and get swept away into a funnel of destruction.  I know that I will be safe though because there is nothing given to me that does not have a way out.  The provision of God is great and I live in expectant hope of it.

ok it's 4:30...i've got to try to sleep.

Shalom.