my current state of affairs

Right now, I am sitting in my housemate's room, using his computer, and trying to cover up the terrible stench of his cat's recent deuce (which is no more than 4 feet away from me in a litter box) with a Glade clean linen candle.  It isn't working.  Needless to say, my time writing this will be brief.

It is the middle of November.  I graduated last May and have been cruising on an emotional roller coaster even before then due to a relationship which is still putting me through the ringer.  I "work" one part time job for a Certified Public Accountant and spend the rest of my time voraciously reading books that I feel will tell me that there are better things to come.  I have great friends, but most of the them are still in college and the rest of them live out of biking distance (my main mode of transportation these days).  I have finally begun to formulate my own code of personal ethics and have semi-firmly rooted the course of my life in a theological framework in which I feel is decently  secure.

If I were to create a presentation on the findings of the past three to four months of my life,  I would title that presention "Everything I Knew Was Wrong".  Since P.A.P.A. (People Against Poverty and Apathy) Fest this summer, I have been on a quest to find Truth.  Since then, I have lost faith in my government, become overly (perhaps) cynical of people and their consumer habits, developed an unbridled passion for sustainable agriculture, and embraced a newfound sense of Faith rooted in Jesus Christ and his life.

In a world enveloped in consumerism, greed, materialism, apathy, satiation, tolerance, pride, lust, gluttony, and ignorance,  I have found it all too easy to become depressed about the society in which I exist.  Mostly because I realize that I, too, fall within those parameters.  As hard as i try, I cannot escape the fallen humanity in which I have been born into.  I have found that the evils that have taken hold of this world are far more subtle and beautiful to the untrained eye than I ever imagined them to be.  I often remember an idea I read from a book I read for my Postmodern class in college that is this: "Culture is to humanity what water is to fish".  It is everywhere.  The television, the conversations overheard at work, the internet, music, art, books, retail stores, humor, etc. etc.  As much as one would like to try (save death...maybe), you cannot escape the reality of the world.  Or rather, assumed reality.

I had a conversation with my friend Alex Erwin the other night, and like usual, went on a rant of these sorts of things.  He sympathized and reminded me of a trilogy that is more often than not used for a metaphor: The Matrix.  But the metaphor was different to me this time.  I often complain about wishing to become ignorant again so that once again I can make a Wal-Mart run and purchase some products in which I have no idea where they came from.  To just be happy that I got it at the lowest possible price in the area and feel justified in my frugality.  But to do that would be to live in the illusion that how I spend my money doesn't matter.   Or to not draw the connections between a pair of $10 shoes and the starving, oppressed child overseas.  I never thought that my middle class existence funded oppression and terrorism.  I never thought that the colorful produce that I purchased at the local Payless was shipped on an average of 1,300 miles away from here and is decorated with pesticides that are used in chemical warfare.  I wish every trip to the grocery store wasn't one big moral, ethical, and political dilemma.  But for it not to be one would be of greater consequence than being blissfully happy with no clue.  The actual reality of life may be not as colorful as the illusion that is fed to us by our government, media, and general public, but it is reality.  Shouldn't Truth be more important than ignorance?  And not just ignorance, WILLFUL ignorance.

Tonight I finished a book by Dallas Willard called "The Spirit of the Disciplines:  Understanding How God Changes Lives".  Near the end of the book, Willard dissects the issue of evil within today's society. He states:

"...We recognize that, when coolly considered, the evils that emerge in the heat of human events are not things that any normal person thinks to be inherently good or would wish on others.  At most, they will only be admitted as "necessary" evils or as something to be explained by extenuating circumstances of some kind.  We ask "Why?" in the face of the undeniably monstrous cases of evil because we cannot imagine any necessity or extenuating circumstance in these cases.

"But such explanations do not go to the heart of the matter.  The persistence of evil rests upon the general drift of human life in which we all share.  It rides upon a motion so vast, so pervasive and  ponderous that, like the motion of the planet earth, it is almost impossible to detect.  We delude ourselves about the sustaining considerations of people's evil deeds because we wish to continue living as we now live and continue being the kinds of people we are.  We do not want to change.  We do not want our world to be really different.  We just want to escape the consequences of its being what it truly is and of our being who we truly are. 

"We certainly think it would be wonderful if we and all others would try to make a difference - to do what we should - and we often say so.  But we do not want to bother with becoming the sort of people who actually, naturally do that.  In fact, to look at our media - our novels, our movies, our television - sometimes it seems we may think being such a person might be rather dull and unexciting.  Imagine a television series called "Miami Virtue" instead of "Miami Vice."  We are drawn to evil, excited by it.  Yet, interestingly enough, we seem surprised when it becomes a reality."

If I asked that average person on the street what they considered to be evil, I assume most would respond with things such as: the Holocaust, child molestation, rape, torture, etc. etc.  Of course these things are horrendous, but no one considers watching a movie with those things in it to be evil.  Be it fiction or not, these are ideas put into our heads.  Subconsciously we are digesting ideas, things, events that shape us and whether we like it or not, they will end up spewing out of us in a variety of ways.  I think maturity is attained once we can realize this.  When we can start screening what we are exposed to and with solid reasons as to why.  Many people think the Amish and/or Mennonites are antiquated communities that don't want to accept "Progress", but maybe they are picking up on something that we aren't.  Maybe they know all too well what becomes of living in a capitalist society that is fueled off of greed.  Maybe WE are the ones that aren't progressing, but rather regressing.  How do we define progress?  Profit?  Customers?  Square feet?  Cars?  Technology? GDP?  I would venture to say that we are measuring all the wrong things...

It is high time that the Church realizes this.

It is time for the Church to put it's money where it's mouth is.  

There will never be a convenient time to turn your life around.

This is not a game.

This is real.

The Kingdom of God is at hand

and living faithfully is something to take seriously.

Generally, I abrasively discuss these issues, but to be honest, living under a blanket of faith provides far more dividends than living an ignorant existence.  True Faith has purpose.  Upon avidly searching for something higher than yourself, suddenly there is a decrease in those paralyzing questions: "Why am I even here?", "What does this mean?", "Why do I feel trapped and useless in a 9-5 job and the only thing that is changing in my life is the age on my birthday card?".

There is a reason why you are here.

Why I am here.